Thoughts Of A Misfit Angel

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Walking On Broken Glass

"Im sitting and crying here, ur alone and dying, they're waiting for more bad news, like walking on broken glass, no answers for what was asked, ur all alone, cause u know, that i'de give my life for you, time can be, nothing but our enemy... "

Well its offical. My dad gives a rats ass about me and my mom does things just to piss me off. ::sigh:: Im just a dissapointment to everybody...

I've been stuck in the house all weekend, except tonight i actually got out for an hour or so. And tommorrow i was invited to go eat with my new friend, but of course, my mother forbids me to basically have any friends. I guess she's punishing me for not spending time with her, but can you blame me? She hates the way i dress, the hates the way i see the world, she hates the way i think, she hates everything about me...Everytime we talk, or she tlaks to me, she is complaining about something.. something i havent done, somthing i have done....

Lately i've really wanted to sing for a living. I dunno, im not very good at it, but im not like talking singing like Brittnay spears, or like that. Ever heard Mest? Blindside? The used? ....yeah... i dunno, maybe its just a thing but i think it would be awesome.

Anyways, i think its Saturday night. Tommorrow im going to church. Wow. Awesome huh? I'm kinda excited, but then again.. not... i dunno, we were talking about this toinght, me and kendyl and jermiah, how in the bible it talks about when there is peace in the middle east... (Iraq) then Iseral will be divided and thats when the AntiChrist comes to earth, saying the Lord will come back.... it kinda freaked me out... Sometimes i long to get back into my christian faith, but i have too much hate and anger... towards everybody.. i dunno, my hearts got cold and hard and its prolly gonna take a miricle to break through it....

Anywyas, its late and i got things to do, some gonna get the hell outta here. Later.

Posted at 12:20 am by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Friday, October 01, 2004

another day of dying

Well, i've done and fucked up things again...

Today started out good. We went to AC instead of classes today. it was much better than class....
Then me and kendyl went back to Westside for the peprally...
Yeah.. i was hyped...
Then it all started....
Bunch of bullshit...

I was fine at work, until i talked to her. Then it went downhill from there...
Im not a fucking 12 year old anymore....
Alot is just running through my mind and i broke down crying at work like a little bitch...
Dustin was such a sweetheart and helped me clean the retarder.
I just feel like im never gonna have any friends, anybody who likes me, anybody who loves me and i fear that nobody will ever love me again... all i want is to be loved... thats all.. why is that so hard? ....Yeah i have friends, but i want more close friends, friends i can call and cry on their shoulder, here lately thats what it feels all i've been doing. Crying... i feel so dead to the world, like nothing matters anymore.. nobody matters, i dont matter to anybody... all these thoughts racing in my head... I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and cry and just keep crying unitl theres no more tears left... forever... this fucking life is pointless...

I bet a hundard thousand dollars you asked my mother what she likes about me, she wouldnt be able to come up with nothing... she doesnt like the way i dress, doesnt like the way i act, doesnt like the way i think... if only she knew.. that fucked up pain that i felt.. that fucked up pain that drives me insanity... and when i say insanity i mean yeah, that "candy" (as dustin puts it) i find every night.

Yes! I still love him!! So fucking kill me!!! I gave him the letter.... all that anger i showed toward him was nothing but a cover up... to hide all this fucking pain i feel..... And you know im not a fake person... i hate fake people... but some time pain is just too hard to bare, too hard to face... you would rather have ignorant bliss than to face it.

How did i get in this situation? Sitting here, wishing to die, wanting nothing more than to be loved... truely loved... how did i get like this? Such a change from a year ago... I used to be so happy,...

I dont know what to think anymore.. im so confused and lonely... fuck this shit.. im out..

Posted at 11:08 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Thursday, September 30, 2004

I miss...

I loved the way your sweet kisses taste and then way you stroked my hair. I loved how you could put your arms around me and chase away my fears. I loved the way my fingers intertwined with yours. I loved the way you could make me feel on top of the world. I loved the way you would whisper sweet nothings into my hear, and i loved the way your skin smelt. I loved the way you could say Hey and my day would be all better. I loved the way you put your arms around me when i got mad at you. I loved the way you looked at me and the way you told your stupid jokes. Your my "mr. roboto" and i miss your outlook on life. I loved how you hugged me and always stood by my side. I loved how you called and we would tlak for hours on end. I loved how you loved me. Oh, how i loved you loved me. You made me feel like i was the only pretty girl on the face of the earth. God, i miss you so much. My angel, my love, my sweetart, my sock, .. please return to me... I love how you would hug or kiss me for no reason, i loved how we would snuggle on the floor, i loved every moment with you, and i wish for nothing more than to be with you now, forever and again, i want you by my side, loving me until the end. I want your hand in mine, and the key to your heart. i wanna be your only girl forever until death do us part.... Words will never describe the way i love you, yes i said LOVE. You showed me something i thought was never real. I have no doubt, i love you without ending. I can give you the world, my love, my trust, my heart, my life,... Please God, if there is one thing i could wish tonight, is that you bring him back to me. Whatever you want, its yours. No, im not crazy, well, maybe just alittle. I'm hopelessly in love, and will always be. He's my perfect one. My only one. It feels wrong to love another, please please please God, im crying to you, begging you, on my knees dying for you. If you cant bring him back, take this God awful pain away... this pain that i buried so deep. This fucking pain that drives me to insanity. With my heartbroken, and tears in my eyes, im nothing more than a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her.... really, truly, forever and always, guinunelly love her,... My dying wish is justed to be loved by him. You will always and forever be, My Angel Without Wings...

"I scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only, my only one..."

Posted at 11:31 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Love letter

Dear *****,
Hey. I know you dont want to hear from me and if not just disregard this letter but im writing you cuz i feel i need to. Im sure your happy with ****** but its been nine months and for some reason, im still in love with you. In case i die tommorrow i wanted you to know that. I'm probablly making an ass out of myself but quiet frankly i dont care. I shouldnt still miss you but i do. Like i've always told you i know for a fact i am IN love with you. If i wasnt i wouldnt still feel this way after this period of time. You can show and tell this to your gf all you want. I tried so hard to stay out of your life, trust me, but for some reason you always pop back into my head. I figured i would try one more time to get to you. Maybe one day you can love me again. I dont care what happnes after this, i will always love you.

Love always,
Crystal

GODDAMMIT im a fucking idiot.... Why must i love somebody who dont give a shit? ... why...

Posted at 10:11 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

I want to believe again....

Hmm.. where should i start?

I didnt update yesterday so lets take a rewind.

Monday- as always Mondays are always awful... my favorite class of the day is ruined by our dumbass student teacher, and now i hate school all together and quite frankly getting to the point where im fixing just to say fuck it. Fuck everything. I broke down crying in third period yesterday. I dunno what but it just seems like EVERYTHING i've loved and had a passion for dissapeared...i mean damn. Mrs. Spainhour is always yelling at me, i dont even SEE kendyl during the day, Mrs. Kings a bitch, our first period is stupid as hell, and fourth period is prolly the most loudest and obnoicous class there is! I dont talk to barely anybody in my classes and when i get home im fucking stuck in my room all day!!! Unless i have to work and thats not any fun either cuz i've been there too damn long and im tired of it. I dont get paid enuf to do the shit i do, and the people are pissin me off....
ANyways, getting back on yesterday, i had a emotional breakdown in third period, the whole day i felt like i couldnt even stand up. I was dazed out and felt like crying the whole day... bet nobody even noticed... they never do... I was on the brink of tears all day.....

My confession?

I still miss HIM. And i wanna hit something everything i think about it. I wanna hit something everything i see HIM. DAMMIT, how the hell am i ever supposed to love again? .....

Anyway...
Moving on on today..

Today was pretty much the same, i wasnt on the brink of tears, but i wasnt happy. I was just there. Specially at lunch, i just got this HUGE sence of loniliness. I hate that fucking feeling.
I was riding to school today and saw on the back of a van a sticker saying "Warning: In case of rapture car will be unmaned".... and for some reason i got butterflies... In case of the rapture would I be sitting there, watching that car swerve off the road? Or would my car, as well, be unmaned? I have fought for so long...looking for something... ANYTHING... And its fucking right in front of my eyes but for some reason, i refuse to see it....

My second confession?

I want so badly to attend church again...
I loved having that family... all my friends... And at least maybe then i would have the slightest bit of hope... i wouldnt have to sit here or anywhere and contemplate weather i should kill myself or not... i want to SOOO bad, but i could never do that to kendyl.... I dont even think she understands how much shes the grasp between life and death for me... that may be awful, but ya know what? I have NOTHING else to live for... nothing...

A secret: I want to be famous.

In what? Im not really sure... sometimes i want to be in a music group like Blindside or The Used, but i know i could never sing like that... sometimes i wanna be a famous actress... but i know it will never happen... i've never done acting and usually famous people start when their kids... you dont hear anybody getting famous at 20 something.... But i dont wanna be super duper famous... just kinda famous.. not where peple stalk me, just kinda like people know me (as in our band) but just wanna have a good time like normal people, i just make alot of money...
...yeah, keep dreamin Crystal....

Anyways, Going back to the whole church thing, Ronnie and our new pastor, whom i've never met, Pastor something smith, came by and talked to me, and that only made me want to go MORE.... but its really weird... cuz i dunno, anybody who loves me i kinda try to keep away from.. i think because of everthing with Bo or what not, but even my own mother, i would rather most of the time not talk to her at all then to show her kindness.. and i dont mean to!!! Its just i dunno, i dunno if i feel like if i show her kindness i'll get hurt again or what.... i just cant STAND continuing getting hurt.... trust me, its fixing to get the best of me....
I just want somebody HERE, truely loving me, who's here and i can cry in their shoulder... to take away this lonely feelings man.... i just want to be loved... TRULY eternally loved.... no matter WHAT i do....

Posted at 08:20 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Day of fucking HELL

Well i'll be damned...

Today was probably the worst day of my whole pathetic life.

Woke up and started working on my personality box for TC. Ok, nothing wrong with that. Then all the bullshit started. Mothers cuss me out, saying she hates me and i no longer have a mother. TWO seconds later trying to appoligize, blahb lah bullshit, TWO SECONDS LATER yelling at me AGAIN "im gonna walk outt your life! i hope your happy blah blah more bullshit!" WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?

She always thinks im mutha fuckin lying to her, and that pisses me off. And then we went off on the whole dress thing again.. dont even get me started, and THEN we moved on to the whole smoking thing again... so for about two hours i had to sit here and listen to my "former mother" how much she hates me and wish i woud grow up and be "normal" how she wants a little girl who is "normal" and "perfect" basically. Pointing out all my flaws and telling me i was a jackass and stupid basically. Sounds fun dont it? Oh, it gets better....
Then after my moms FINALLY through my dad starts on me. Well, not really starting up on me, just CALMLY explaining, (something my mother cant do) about how i shouldnt smoke and its bad and it stinks. Ok, ya know? Thats ok.. i can handle this... Well, after being emotionally abused for two hours, i would like to get outta the house... well, fat chance. I was told by my father to separate my clothes and clean my room before i left. Dont sound bad, but have you seen my room? I admit, it DID need cleaning, but i wasnt exactly the fucking cleaning mood. So i sat there for about another hour crying my GDamn eyesout, wondering, "What the hell is keeping me from killing myself?" 1. nothing to kill myself WITH, ah, that sucks. 2. Kendyl.

So...............................after many hours of crying, beating, throwing, and screaming, i quickly picked up my clothes, threw awy my trash, and took my dishes downstairs and left with kendyl. We talked a long time and she helped me feel a WHOLE lot better. She's pretty much my life support. I dont know if thats a good thing or not, but she is. If it wasnt for her, i honestly would have nothing to live for. And that sounds crazy, but my mothers constatnly mad at me, pointing out all of flaws, overlooking the good stuff, and if you cant recieve love from your mother, why the fuck would you trust anybody else? I was listening to Papa Roach "Last Restort" and it almost describes me to a tee.... "It all started when i lost my mother, no love for myself and no love for a nother. Searching to find a love on a higher level, finding nothing but questions and devils" ..... If i cant have a realitonship with my own fucking mother, then fuck the rest of the world... i HAVE NO reason to live. My mother hates me because i wanna be "different".... she hates me b/c i think for myself. ya know what? FUCK IT THEN. You'll find no more stupid GDamn love in my heart.... FUCK ya'll all. This shit has been going on for over two years and im about at the end of my breakable string....
And God.... i dont really blame Him... but i dunno... i cant find a church with a good youth group to go to.....i scream inside my head at night wondernig if He still listens and my screams seem like they go unheard. At school during the day i look happy, a teenage girl who just wants to have fun... but if you could only have a taste of how much pain i feel... how much GDamn hurt and suffering i have to go through everyday with my own mother and everybody else around me,.... Your opinion may be altered...

Well, its late and i have to go.... maybe if i'm lucky i wont wake up in the morning.

Then again...

Posted at 10:18 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

for you

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhwere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

'Cause I sit here locked
inside my head remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast

Posted at 09:47 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

tempting

I wonder if i killed myself right this second, how many people would REALLY care....

And how long till they noticed my rotting corpse...

Posted at 01:12 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Saturday night

hAHA
Its saturday night and im feeling good budy! I dont feel the pain right now but i will tommmroow... dammit... i found the only way to drown my sorrows in alcohol. Life sucks and it makes it better. All better. :) Yes sir. Anyways, i'm really tired so i guess i'm gonna get outta here.
Btw, im fucking pissed, so ya know.....
HAHA...
I love having secrets. LOL and im sorry if this doesnt make since but ya know... lol.. i've had a fun night. Well i'll check ya'll out lata. Peace!!! :)

Posted at 11:59 pm by MisfitAngel
Etch It In My Heart

Friday, September 24, 2004

Who reads this shit?

Well FUCKING LA TE DA.
Its FUCKING friday and where the hell am i stuck?
HOME.
I realized i have only one close friend
and im fucking screwed without a gohdamn car.
I dont even care anymore...
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep everynight
Im tired of feeling hopeless
And let down...
Im tired of feeling like nobody will ever love me
And im tired of feeling like nobody gives a shit.
Im tired of hating myself and feeling like everybody around me hates me as well.
I'm tired of getting dumped on my ass when i didnt do ANYTHING.
Im tired of everybody jumping on my ass b/c of my style,
Cuz its not like their,
Cuz they want me to conform to everybody else.
i'm tired of getting put down because of meaning less shit
And im tired of people playing with my heart and feelings...
The only person in the world i cant have
And the ones i can, always FUCK up somehow....
Thres a blackhole, a void and i have no fucking clue how to fill it.
And im tired of trying
I havent been out in two goddamn weeks
And no AGAIN im fucking stuck at home...
Im sick of it..
All of it...
But you dont care.
Nothing will ever change.
And if i have to hurt myself to make myself feel better
Its none of your damn buisness.

Just a few words....

Broken heart. Empty promises. Lies and betrayal. Used and broken. Hopeless and alone. Scared and scathed. Shattered and torn. Im a little girl in a big world afraid and alone. Lust and love. Greed and blind hearts. Lost hope and no grip. Tears and long nights. Confusion and tempting thoughts. Desparate and unloved. Dont touch me. Leave me and let me die. Go away and never come back. The ony one who can save me now is God. God and ten thousand angels.

WIth those words, i leave you...

Posted at 10:28 pm by MisfitAngel
Scars (1)